The past few days have been very stressful to me, let me lay it out for you. Well I would give you details if I could just remember them, but I have a bad memory. I have a hard time remembering what happened a few days ago. But I will give it a shot.
As you all know on Wednesday I went to a friends house and had some smores and hang out by the fire. I love fires for those of you that don't know. Think, think, think what else happened. Thursday and Friday went hadn't have much happen Thursday though I went over to my doctors office to try and get some documents that I needed. But like I suspected before they were not ready.
I might as well forget about them because I needed the documents, but the thing is I needed them like 2 months ago so I might just forget about them because they are no longer useful to me. I just want them to add to my collection that I have been making, with all the other stuff from my testing that I have had done over the past 4-6 months. Friday I have been stressing out because last week I revived a letter from the IRS saying I owe them 600$. I cant afford that, mainly because I have been out of work sense August of 2010, and let me tell you when you been out of work for as long as I have you really have no money. So I did the only thing I could do I sent them a letter telling them that I cant pay it because I have no money. and the reason why I am stressing is I have to pay it by the 9th of November and I still haven't revived anything back from them. I am I am going to have to call them on Monday and figure out what I am going to do. I really hope that I can set up some sort of payment plane or something, or else I think that I am in big trouble.
Saturday I have been looking for work I still cannot find anything witch is really starting to affect my self esteem. I look at it this way, witch is probably why I am starting to get depressed from it again. So I have to stop thinking like this and try harder to do something about it. The thing is the harder I try and nothing happens the more I get depressed about it. Let me tell you why its making me depressed. Well I try and tell you. Let me tell you what you are about to read is my own personal thinking, That changes rapidly this is just what I think know.
I am a very personal person what I mean by that is I have a hard time sharing my feelings. In my entire life there has only been two people that I have been able to be totally honest with. And I out of them, Non want to ever speak to me ever again. So you can see why I am hesitating to wanna tell people how I am feeling. I am afraid of pushing them away. And the reason for that is I am a loving compassionate person that seems to want to help people more then help myself. And that is all I want to I want somebody that will love me with all there heart. And the reason why I don't share my feeling is, when ever I find somebody that I trust enough to tell them. I am afraid to tell them. Because it is somebody that I care for them enough and love them enough that I don't want to push them away, I want to have them stay with me. witch is kinda selfish of me I know but its the only thing I want. I don't care about money, or the fancy things of this world. All I want is, somebody that I can love, hold on to, and take care of. Somebody that I can hug when ever I want to, and snuggle with when I get cold. And in return I take care of you and do anything for or with you that you want or need. Now I know what your thinking, Why are you telling me all this. Well the answer to that is simple.
The way I look at it is with all of these thing that I want and am looking for, I cannot just look up and pluck it from the sky. Just as I wish upon a star, As much as I wish I could just wish it all here that would be to easy. And I know that there is now way it will ever happen. So I have to do it the old fashioned way. Witch Its not working out very well for me. As much as a good friend as I can be I fear that that is All I will every be to people. I just do it to well. And anyways back to the hole not being able to find work. It goes with this because I mean. Who wants to go out with somebody that has no way of supporting them. Isn't that right women are looking for some security in the person that they go out with, witch is okay. I like security to but the problem I am having is. I have no security I cant offer people anything but my love. Witch in this world now a day's it is very hard to find somebody with just that. Because even though people say they don't care about money or about the fancy things in this world. I feel like they are just fouling them selves. Because once you tell them that you have nothing to offer them except compassion, trust, honesty, and loyalty. They turn around and never come back, Now don't tell me this isn't true I have seen int dozens of times witch have all happened to me. I think I have a hard time trusting women, and my thinking toads them is not so good, because the only thing that I have gotten from trusting women is heart each.
But In some way I am glad that they have done this, because if you cant except somebody for just the way they are without all the worldly stuff tagging along behind. Well I am sorry but I say you are not worth my time. for I don't want to date somebody that doesn't care about me. And only cares about what I can give her. So please if you are a person that only cares about what somebody can give you. And don't give a dam about the person him self please just keep on walking. And I am sorry If what I have said has made You feel bad, Its just how I feel. Maybe its just because I have had to many experiences that have ended bad. So in result of it I am very careful with how I date. If you think that anything that I have said is wrong please correct me. For I know I am not a perfect person, and I am very far from it.
Anyway after I have finished thinking about that all I did Saturday was watch some movies and play some games. I was trying to relax I pray next week will be better.
Sunday or today I went to church I was looking forward to it for it makes me happy and at the end of this week I needed to relax and be able to take my mind of of the problems that I am having, and a strange thing. You know I just realized something today, first I will say I believe in premonitions and know for saying that. Friday night I had a dream about me at church and I realized thinking about it. That today my dream came true almost everything today at church happened the same way that it did in my dream. Okay I think that it was kinda creepy, I have never had that happen to me before. Well I have had premonitions before. But not one that has happened so close to what really happened. I mean there was really only one or two thing different.
I know that not a lot of you out there like Big & Rich Here is the song, they write on of my favorite songs. Because I just can Relate to it so much. I am going to put it up but you don't have to listen to it if you don't want to.
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